6 Tips to Setting Boundaries at Work (Without People Thinking You’re Being Difficult)
When I think of the word “boundaries”, I get a visual in my head of me holding up my arms in a big X and trying to stave off a vampire. Don’t come near me!!!!
And I think that’s part of the problem: the negative feeling we get when we hear the word “boundaries”. So let’s delve into how you can reframe how you think about boundaries and what you can do instead.
Redefine how you think of Boundaries
Where does the need for boundaries even come from?
The yearning for boundaries typically happens when you’re feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities that other people are putting on you.
That last bit is key because it means that boundaries are about your relationship with other people and the conflict you have between wanting to please and needing space for yourself.
When you say you want to “create boundaries”, what you’re really saying is you want to balance the relationship you have with others with the one you have with yourself.
2. Think of someone in your workplace who has excellent boundaries. What do you think of them?
Usually, when I ask this question, people respond that the person who has excellent boundaries is well-respected. Being able to communicate what they can and cannot do commands respect. This thought is the opposite of what you might assume setting a boundary will yield, which is that others will think you are being difficult.
Where does the need to be liked by others come from? Well, perhaps it’s because you want to show that you’re a team player. Perhaps you want to be the prime candidate for a promotion so you worry that saying “no” will prevent you from taking that step. Perhaps it’s simply to avoid any potential conflict by not knowing how the other person will react. Whatever it is, know that in most cases, a person who can set boundaries for themselves is seen as well respected, not difficult.
3. Don’t think of “boundaries” as a hard “no”. Think of it as a “negotiation”
This tip was a game-changer for one of my clients. She constantly gets asked throughout the day for help on projects and she used to say yes without hesitation. She often worried that saying “no” would communicate to others that she is not a helpful person.
But when she started thinking of setting boundaries as being about negotiation, it helped her have a look at her calendar and assess her current workload before giving a response to her coworker. She went from saying an instant “yes” to, “One sec let me check my schedule…okay, I can help you with this but I have another project I have to finish first. Would it be okay if I get this back to you by next Tuesday?”.
She was pleasantly surprised to hear that her colleagues were happy with the deadlines she set, no questions asked!
4. It’s harder to create boundaries when you don’t have a “legitimate excuse”…so, create something legitimate!
Let’s say you have 2 hours open on your calendar on Wednesday morning, and you’re intending to use that to complete your work without distractions. A colleague invites you to a meeting during that time, and you find it hard to say “no” to the meeting because you could attend. So you have this internal conflict of feeling like you don’t have a legitimate excuse not to go.
But you do have a legitimate reason! It’s to have the time and space to complete your work without distractions.
Legitimizing your needs is one of the most important aspects of making sure you follow through on getting your own needs met. Whether it’s completing work or exercising or strategizing or getting in self-care, these needs are actions that are helping you show up as the best version of yourself, and that sure as heck counts.
5. Do you even know what you need? (My guess is you’re not 100% clear)
Most people I’ve spoken with who crave boundaries are hyper-aware of what they don’t want, but they are less aware of what they need.
For example, you could be very aware that you don’t want to have any last-minute meetings so you can do some back-end work in peace, but you may not be aware of how much time you need for completing that back-end work.
Or maybe you recognize that you want to say no to overtime work so that you can be exercising more, but you haven’t established what exercise class you will be taking at which gym and at what time, so you wind up doing overwork and then feel guilty for not getting your workout in.
Or maybe you’ve been accommodating your colleagues who live overseas in different time zones by having early morning or late evening calls and you find this really taxing on your energy levels, but you haven’t identified how you will be getting in rest time during the day to balance out this schedule nor identified which days you are okay with working out of hours and which ones you need to say “no” to in order to meet your personal needs.
Start by asking yourself what your ideal schedule would look like. Block off the times on your calendar for uninterrupted work, exercise commitments, the time you’ll shut off your email communication, etc. Identify how much time your personal tasks will actually take and make sure your blocked off time can accomodate that. Then simply ask people to negotiate around that time.
6. Instead of asking yourself, “How can I create boundaries”, try asking yourself, “How can I say yes while also meeting my needs?”
Aim to say yes. Pause and look at your schedule to see what’s possible. Respond accordingly. Here are some examples:
“Yes I can meet with you to have a catch-up but 10am doesn’t work for me, how about 2pm?”
“Yes, I’d love to work on that project. I have about 1 week left to round out this other project, would it be okay to start it then?”
“Yes, I’m happy to have a call with you at 7am my time but it’s difficult on Mondays and Thursdays. Which other day would work for you?
What’s been your biggest takeaway from this?